I know a guy who said I couldn’t publish a column without using that symbol that follows A, B, C and D. You know — that thing which lands right in front of F. So naturally I can’t pass up an ultimatum, what with all my claims of skill as a wordsmith and such. But I got to twist a law or two of grammar to pull it off now, so you boys and girls in my composition class just stay mum if you find a construction that isn’t right. But I will follow this dictum: All axioms of orthography must stand intact. No fooling with any normal layout of a word. So hold on tight, folks — this might turn out amusing. Think of it this way: I’m going to play “Taboo” in this column. It’s what you call a “lipogram.” Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls.

In 1939 a guy did this book “Gadsby.” It had 50,000 words, with nary a sound containing that outlaw symbol. So my stab at this is small-fry stuff. A propos of all this, do you know any long words that fit that bill? How about “floccinaucinihilipilification”?

I’m glad my laptop has a www.com-thing that finds synonyms, or this column would fall as flat as a strip of gum stuck to your flip-flop from last Thursday till now. I can’t rightly say which sort of book has so many of this kind of word, as that would bring up a locution that has you-know-what in it. I occasionally think about this: What word might stand as a proxy for “synonym”?

It’s lucky that “Cliff and Clax” don’t contain that taboo symbol, so I can talk about us all I want. And if a man has a bunch of flashy T-shirts to unload, all that guy can do is talk until that last tunic is sold. How much do this shirt cost, you ask? I got to say this in a roundabout fashion on account of that unsightly pictograph that is right smack in this word. But if you multiply four by two and add two, your calculation will turn out OK. I can’t say which colors is still up for grabs, and by now I got a hunch you know why. So how hard do you think it is to bang out a column that don’t contain that thing which isn’t a consonant but is your most common A, B, C? It’s no picnic, but I’m doing it, baby.

My worst column so far, you say? Don’t got no point to it, you say? Just a bunch of backwoods rambling, you say? That’s your opinion, but I think it’s a hoot not to push that button on my laptop twixt W and R. Folks might ask how I can put all this in writing without using that word that starts with a W and is a homonym of “right.” Pshaw. I don’t miss using that word. I can scrawl, dash off, jot down, draw up and knock out any amount of words I want. So I can’t swallow all my vitamins but A, B, C, D and fish oil, but I’m OK without it.

If you want to try a fun sport today, try making it through an hour without saying words that contain that thing which is missing from this story. If you can do it, I’ll crown you a brilliant wordsmith in this column.

And now, guys and girls, dolls and manly folks, for my grand finish, I shall try to author a group of rhyming words. It will form a thing I can’t say, but if you go out on a “limb” and call for “Rick” and put both words in proximity, you’ll think of it. I’m on tap to go for it now, so stand back for a wondrous display of craft, artistry, knack, know-how and savvy:

So you just saw a journalist rough it;

With such limits I hardly could bluff it.

But what you can do

With A, I, O and U?

So put that in your cigar and puff it

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